A True Introvert

So I did it. I moved to a big city. I crossed the country in my little car and only the possessions my boyfriend and I could fit into it. We found an apartment in a good neighborhood. He found a job, I found enough freelance work to cobble together an income for the time being. So that's that. Big city life begins now.

Except that it doesn't. Because even with all the big changes I've managed to make in the recent months (none of which I regret), I haven't changed. This shouldn't be a surprise, but somehow, to me it was. I really felt that moving to a city would lead to more excitement, more work, more friends, more life. Very naive, but yes, it's what I felt. Not so much what I thought, because I am a smart person and I rationally know that moving doesn't just make those things happen. But somewhere, deep down, it was what I felt.

My mother calls me a true introvert. Not just an introvert, a true introvert. She would hold me up as the classic example if someone asked her to define the word. A few summers ago, I worked at a summer camp for the entire summer, living in a house with 11 other people, the people I would work with for two and a half months. Before camp started, we all took personality tests as a way to talk about how we would deal with each other and any problems that might come up. There were 10 questions that, we found out at the end of the test, corresponded to introversion vs. extroversion. I got 9/10 for introversion. Curious, I checked to see on which answer I leaned toward extraversion. The question was something like, "If the phone rings, do you want to be the first person to pick it up or do you wait for someone else to answer it?" I chose to be the person to pick it up. Here was my thought process:

Well, ok, we can't be talking about my personal cell phone because obviously, no one else is going to pick it up. Either I answer it or no one does. But this is talking about a group phone, like the house phone. OK so when I lived at home, what did I do? Ugh, no one answered the phone at home. If I don't pick it up, no one's going to. And then it will just ring and I'll wonder if someone's dead and we don't know because no one is answering. So, I guess I'd answer the phone.

So, my need for control was masquerading as extroversion.

http://www.takenseriouslyamusing.com/
2013/04/15/introversion-and-me/

When my phone (or any other phone) rings, I don't want to answer it. I do, these days, because I'm a freelancer and there's no distinguishing my work phone and my personal phone. But I don't want to; I don't want to start a conversation without knowing what it's about. If it's a number I don't recognize, I wonder who it is and if there's any way it could be something bad or if it could be someone who's going to make me feel awkward. If it's a friend, I wonder why they're calling. Are they going to keep me on the phone for a long time? Are they gonna just feel like chatting when I want to be reading? If it's a number associated with work, I'll answer with my heart rate increasing, wondering if I've done something wrong. If it's my mom, my sisters, or my boyfriend I'll answer every time. They are the only ones whose calls I answer every time. The sound of the phone ringing gives me anxiety, and I'd rather wait to get a voicemail, find out what the call was about, and call back when I've had time to prepare. Or better yet, just speak to someone through texts.

Social situations make me uncomfortable. I don't like asking for help, because it usually involves having to a) speak to people and b) admit I don't know something. When I go to the library, I look up the book beforehand to make sure they have it and that it's not checked out, and I write down the call number so I can easily find it. So that I don't have to talk to anyone. I don't want to start conversations with random strangers. Small talk makes me uncomfortable and I'm not good at it. I never mastered the art of a quick answer that tells the truth while glossing over anything I don't want to talk about and leaving the asker satisfied. Most of the time, if I'm going to a party or other large group social scenario, I have to psych myself up for it. If it's with people I like, or if I can find a small group of people I'm comfortable with, I can have a great time at the party. I do enjoy being with people, after all. But at some point during the event, I'll hit a wall and it is time to go home. Too much social interaction. Must recharge. All systems shutting...down...now.

I know all this about myself. So why did I think that moving to a city would change it? I don't know.

I am an introvert, maybe even a true introvert. But I still like spending time with other people. I just have to remind myself that in order to see other people, I have to be the one to go out. I have to send out texts to see whose available. If I want to meet new people, I have to find out what's happening around town and go out to new events. It will never be easy for me. It will be mentally and emotionally exhausting and it will take time. But it will be worth it. And true introvert or not, I can do it.