I never understood why people got so upset about aging, especially young people. I understand that when people reach their 50s and older, they start thinking, "I have fewer years left than I have had already," and I understand how those thoughts are scary. But I never understood why my sister would groan and say, "Ugh! I'm twenty-fucking-three years old!!!! Ahhh!" (To which my mom brilliantly responded, "Kate, I am fifty-fucking-five.") I always thought that most people, especially women, lamented age because of losing the physical look of youth, of feeling less attractive. And I know this is a reason why people hate aging. But I've also recently realized the real reason behind fear of aging, even if it's one less talked about.
Recently, someone I knew from high school lost a parent. And I thought about saying to my mom, "You better not ever die." And I could hear her response in my head as if she were actually saying it to me; I could hear her laugh and say, "Well, I don't think I'm gonna have much of a choice," or something like it. It's not that I've never thought about the fact that my parents will some day die, and I will, hopefully much later, also die. Of course I have (and I hate thinking about it; I'm really not okay with it). But for some reason, it hit me much more clearly this week. This is why everyone hates aging, I thought as I was trying to go to sleep.
Of course we hate the idea of our bodies changing shape for the worse, or the idea of no longer being found physically attractive to random strangers. But we really hate what this means. We hate the physical evidence of our bodies slowing down, decaying, shutting down. We hate that every year gets us closer to the end.
This probably isn't news to anyone but me. I always sort of rolled my eyes at friends complaining about aging. They don't get it, I thought. They are so afraid of aging they don't even realize all the great things that come later in life. I never really understood that feeling of "It all goes by so fast." But I do get it now. I do feel like it has gone by so fast. How have I lived 25 years already? A quarter of a century?! I am terrified to think of how life will change as parents and siblings age and die. I am terrified of dying myself.
I don't want to change the way I live my life. I'm not going to groan and lament my birthdays. I'm going to be 25 on my next birthday and I'm excited about it. I am old enough to be a senator (which really makes me think that someone should revisit that criteria; I definitely don't feel old enough, mature enough or knowledgeable enough to be making laws for people). I am old enough to rent a car (that's still 25, right?). And I am excited to see what life is like at 30 and 40. I understand the fears and have embraced them, and I'm going to try to keep living life the way that I want.
But I promise to no longer roll my eyes when you tell me how much aging bothers you...I promise to try.
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