Homemade Feminist Debates: Chopping My Hair

I have been thinking a lot about returning to the pixie cut and it has sparked a bit of a debate at home.

Last night, the boyfriend and I were surfing the Internet searching for the latest information on Syria. We started watching a clip of Rachel Maddow's show from August 29. At some point, he said, "Rachel Maddow is sexy!" Still thinking about all the arguing we'd done about my potential haircut, I muttered, "She has short hair."

Thus began an hour-long debate (I don't think I'm exaggerating the amount of time) in which we talked about Rachel Maddow's specific type of sexiness, sexism, the narrow definition of beauty in our culture, whether or not the boyfriend's preferences are shaped by societal and cultural forces or not, and (way too) much more.

My main debate with myself has been, "How much does his opinion matter? He is my partner, I love him, but how much should I consider his opinion when thinking about a haircut that I really want to get?" I don't want to discount him completely, but I don't want my decisions to be swayed more by his opinion than my own. Aaron wanted his opinion to matter.

At some point, out of frustration and curiosity, I turned (where else?) to Google. Aaron started playing his video game while I searched phrases like "should boyfriend's opinion matter on haircut" and "men's opinion on pixie cuts". What I found, of course, was a huge heap of sexism.

The first articles I read were pro-pixie cut, written by women. One was written by a woman who hadn't believed her boyfriend when he said he didn't like short hair, and she was surprised by how much he disliked her new cut. Another was by a woman who loves her cut, but admits that reactions from men are pretty extreme, and that if you're going to do it, you just have to accept that people will think you're a lesbian. And, as always, my favorite Bitch media pitched in with Who's Afraid of a Pixie Cut? This was probably the most encouraging article to read: it ended with It's scary that a woman with short hair is still seen as some sort of questionable rebel. Hooray for the young women in the spotlight who rock a pixie cut with no apologies. Chop, chop.

It was also the article that started the downward spiral of my argument with the boyfriend.

As he was playing his game (which he played throughout this conversation, so his attention was divided), he asked, "Whatcha looking at?" I told him what I had Googled, and he laughed. "So what'd ya find?" I read him this quote from the Bitch story about the "retrograde notion that says that cutting your hair short makes you somehow less of a woman." Aaron was suddenly defensive, arguing with me about his opinions being his own and not all based in cultural ideas. I argued back that of course our opinions are shaped by cultural forces. 

I bet you didn't even realize that Emma
Watson looks like a short squatty man, did you?

Then I found the website that hit the nail on my argument. I almost hate to link to it, but this particular post is two years old, and it's so ridiculous, you just have to see it. From the Alpha Game blog (with the subtitle 'Breaking the chains, winning the game, and saving Western civilization') comes the post "Women: don't cut your damn hair". (It's interesting to note that this post came up first in the Google search.) This post argues for long hair on women, because men prefer it, and notes that women who cut their hair "look like short squatty men" and that other women praise the pixie cut because secretly they know that short hair makes women unattractive and they want other women to be less attractive than they are, so they conspire to get other women to chop their hair. The comments of this post are where it gets really crazy, where readers say things like: 

   "Long hair is absolutely THE signature stamp of femininity and female beauty"

   "It's really not that complicated. Long hair good, short hair butch." 

   "Now that it's growing again I hear from women 'oh, I just loved your hair shorter.' I don't believe it. They also try to convince me to go back to my natural color (dark "dirty dishwater" blonde) instead of the color my husband prefers (platinum). Again, a suggestion I think is insincere and catty. Of course not all men prefer blondes but mine does, and women should not be taken seriously when suggesting hair styles to each other"

   "Practical, 'soccer-Mom' hair styles are, well, indicative of frigidity. No thanks." 

Of course, none of these men considers that women get their hair cut based on what they want to do; these men (and women) assume that women's hairstyles should be solely aimed toward pleasing men. 

I tried to use this article to point out how so many people are still wrapped in old-school notions about beauty and femininity and what makes a woman a woman. Aaron thought I was blaming him for thinking the same way.  When I finally said, "Aaron these people are ridiculous. I don't believe you are anywhere near them, and the argument started about a quote from one of the articles," he looked sheepish and said, "Oh. I was playing my game...I thought you were saying I was like that." 

So even though this hour-long debate could have been avoided by a little more communication and a little less Playstation, I'm glad it happened. It was a great discussion about the definitions of beauty and how women with short hair are still seen by many people as turning their back on femininity or beauty, and about whether pretty should even matter when getting a haircut. 

I'm still a little nervous about the chop, but I'm going to do it. I've made a collage of pixie cuts I like, and a collage of those I don't, to take to the stylist. I really want to maintain it for a while, work with styling it different ways, and have fun with a new hairstyle. 

And if men think I'm a lesbian, or lament the loss of my hair, I know who not to hang out with. As one of the commenters on Alpha Game said, 

"I'm thinking of cutting my hair now just so I can weed out people like you!"

Stumbled Upon Feminism at a Reading

Aaron and I went to our first reading in Seattle and it was so much fun. I convinced him to go even though neither of us had read the book, because the reading was held at The Richard Hugo House. The Hugo House is sort of like a writers' community in Seattle: they hold writing workshops for adults and adolescents, they host events (like the reading), they constantly bring in new writers-in-residence, and they have resources like the Zine Archive and Publishing Project. I'd heard of The Hugo House while job searching before we moved, and I was dying to see it in person.

But when I heard about my first opportunity to go to The Hugo House, I was also intrigued by the actual event. Nicole Hardy was reading from her memoir Confessions of a Latter-Day Virgin. Before going, all I knew about this book was that she was a Mormon girl, and then woman, planning to stay a virgin until marriage. So she made it through college as a virgin, and into her 20s, and out of her 20s, and into her 30s, and began to wonder if it was really the right life choice for her. As you can imagine, the little feminist in me (why did I make her little? I don't know but I'm rolling with it) was jumping up and down with excitement. Go to this reading, Genie! You'll love this book and it'll make for a great discussion after. So we went.

The reading was so much fun. I recommend going to a reading without knowing anything about the book. When we walked in, it seemed like an average reading at first. There was a table set up for selling books right in the front. There was a bar and people were lining up to get the alcohol in their systems (we'd enjoyed happy hour margaritas, so I skipped the bar). There were two or three employees walking around with appetizer options, and there was also a table of cheeses and crackers set up.

But then we noticed, over in the corner, there was a woman getting her hair done. In a beehive. That's weird. As we looked around, it became clear there must be something in the book about beehives, because they were everywhere. Women were lined up to get their hair styled, and when she appeared, Nicole Hardy had clearly gotten the first beehive of the night. There was even a man who came wearing a long wig for the sole purpose of getting his hair done, so this must have been advertised. We had no idea why this was happening but we enjoyed watching.

After watching the creation of a lot of beehives, we moved into the auditorium area for the reading. I immediately liked Nicole. She stood up and expressed appreciation for Seattle, The Hugo House, and supportive readers. She started to tear up and then laughed at herself, "Oh no I'm emotional already?!" She read two short excerpts from the book, one telling about church classes as a young Mormon girl (the beehives--there it is!--was the name of the group) and the other about being an adult, unmarried woman in social settings with women of her congregation.

The second story is the one that really struck me. She was at a party, excitedly telling a friend about a book of her poems that was getting published. A woman who knew both Nicole and her mother saw the look on her face, the price and excitement, and rushed over to look at Nicole's left hand. That's right, because she saw the excitement and realized Nicole must have gotten engaged. Nicole quickly told her, "No, it's my poetry, it's getting published." She went on to say how much this hurt, that everything she had done, a bachelor's degree, post-graduate degrees, working on creative writing, and now getting published, all this was seen as biding her time until her life, her married life, started.

I did not grow up as a Mormon. The one time a church leader talked to me and a group of peers about staying a virgin until marriage, I was at my friend's Baptist youth group, and I was horrified. To be clear, I wasn't horrified by the idea, I was horrified by the powerpoint presentation full of phrases like "sinful desire" and "young woman's purity" and "going to hell if...". (I was also horrified that not everyone's youth group involved games like dodgeball or scavenger hunts.)

But I still relate to Nicole Hardy's story. I relate to the confusion of being told that you're supposed to be this pure being, responsible for how boys react to you, without being told that you are going to have desire or feelings of your own. I relate to fielding too many questions about marriage and too few about career.

It was during the Q&A session that I realized I didn't just want to read her book, I wanted to be her best friend. The guy asking her questions jumped back-and-forth between asking "serious writerly questions" and questions from a Seventeen magazine quiz. After asking a question, something about a guy you think of as a friend trying to kiss you and you turning your cheek to avoid him, and giving her the three options for how to handle this situation, she laughed and said, "Those answers are terrible! I'd say, 'That was awkward, let's go get a milkshake.'" (Just look at this picture and try to tell me you don't want to be her best friend. I won't believe you.)

I know a lot of people say that there are too many memoirs out there these days, and maybe that's true. But I will jump on any opportunity to read a well-written memoir by a strong woman pushing back against social and religious conventions to find a way in this world that works for her and her goals. I can't wait to read Confessions of a Latter-Day Virgin.

Found this picture of the reading on Twitter
 and you can see me and Aaron!
Check out the closeup for proof!

Feminist Influence: The Movies of My Childhood

When I was a kid, I watched a lot of movies that all the other kids were watching, like The Little Mermaid and Homeward Bound. But I also watched a lot of movies that weren't made for kids, simply because my mom was watching them. And since my mom was 5 or 10 years older than many of my friends' parents, the movies we watched were a little different.

I didn't give a lot of thought to having been exposed to these movies at a very young age. I loved them, and loved watching them with my mom, so that was all that mattered. I have often teased my mother about the fact that we were so young when we watched Pretty Woman that my older sister thought the colorful condoms were candy, but my mom's response is, "See? You didn't even know what was going on. You were fine." But recently, as I thought back over many of the films we watched, I realize that for my entire life I was exposed to movies about strong women, working women, the challenging of gender roles, homosexuality, and more. I was exposed to feminism and forming feminist ideas before I ever heard the word.

So, here are some of the movies that helped form my ideas about the world while they entertained me through multiple viewings.

Baby Boom, 1987: Diane Keaton is a high-powered businesswoman (which we know because she wears skirt suits all the time) who suddenly inherits a baby and her world is thrown completely off-course. I don't remember all the details, I haven't seen it in a while, (don't ask me how someone simply inherits a baby), but here's what I remember: babies and board meetings don't mix, babies and city life don't mix, but sometimes a woman who thought she was meant to be a CEO is also meant to make homemade baby food. OK, based on my sketchy memory, this movie could potentially have a lot of problems, but it was still a movie about the difficulties of being a working mother, and it shows that "having it all" doesn't really exist unless you change your definition of "it all".


9 to 5, 1980: Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda, Dolly Parton and Dabney Coleman. Fabulous film about working women, sexism and sexual harassment in the workplace, and sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigots. What I learned: working women are awesome, sexism is gross, flexible workplaces make for happier employees, smoking pot = fairy tale murder fantasies, and mixing up the boxes of coffee sweetener and rat poison is terrible but hilarious. Seriously, though, this was one of my absolute favorite movies as a kid, and it still holds up today. The three female leads are incredible and hilarious, and watching them succeed against sexism and a workplace that didn't allow for flexibility was inspiring. Bonus: it has now been made into a musical.

Tootsie, 1982: Dustin Hoffman plays an actor who can't get any work, so he decides to pretend to be a woman and go after a woman's role. And he gets it! And then, as a woman, he experiences sexism and sexual harassment, and becomes a better man for it. I can't decide if it's a little insulting, or a brilliant commentary on our society, that it takes a man pretending to be a woman to call attention to all the difficulties women face every day. I like to think it's a brilliant commentary on a sad state of affairs, showing that even when it comes to women's rights, it takes a man's voice to get the issues heard.


Pretty Woman, 1990: As I said, my sisters and I have been watching this since we were very young. And thanks to watching it on TBS and USA with commercials, we didn't even know there were sex scenes until we were older. We all know the story: prostitute gets rescued by rich, rich, rich man but then "she rescues him right back." It's a movie with pretty traditional roles, the female damsel in distress and the male hero, but I picked up on some little lessons along the way, like sometimes women can know more about cars than men, and assuming someone can't afford what you're selling in your store is just rude. And of course, no matter what your job, you should be in control of your profession: "I say who, I say when!!!"




To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar, 1995: Drag queens. When I first saw this movie, I thought John Leguizamo was an actual woman (I must not have been listening to any dialogue). Anyway, I honestly don't remember what I thought when I first saw this movie, it was so long ago, but it quickly became a family favorite. My sisters and I loved watching drag queens trying to pass for women in a small town. This movie had a lot to teach. Thanks to a speech by Wesley Snipes, I learned the difference between a transvestite, a transsexual, a drag queen, and a boy in a dress. I learned about the horror of domestic violence (at least as much as a PG-rated comedy can teach), that discrimination is good for no one, and that being yourself is always the best way to live your life, no matter what anyone else thinks.
"Your approval is not needed."
"Approval neither desired nor required."

So, thanks to my mother, for exposing me and my sisters to more than just movies made for kids. They affected us more than we knew, and we are better for it.

Defending My Time

This past weekend was the Creative Nonfiction Conference in Oxford. My company was part of the group putting it on, so I spent most of the weekend working (and fighting off a sudden allergy attack). As I watched all the attendees, panelists, and workshop leaders talking about their work, I was disappointed in myself. People were talking about waking up at 4:30 every morning to write, staying up late to write when their families have gone to bed, finding time between work and home to get that 45 minutes of writing all to themselves. What happened to my discipline about writing?

I've been amazed at how hard it's been to become disciplined about my writing, mainly because I'm disciplined in almost every other aspect of my life. I buy new groceries before the old ones have run out. My office is over-organized with folders for everything. I have no problem spending my Saturday mornings cleaning the house and doing laundry. But when it comes to finding time to write, giving myself the time to write, it's almost impossible.

This weekend, I was able to listen to one of the final panels; the topic was "Balancing Work, Life, and Writing". The writer River Jordan said something that really struck me. She said, "This may be totally sexist but I think women have a harder time carving out that time to write." She talked about offering to take care of her grandbaby on a day she knew she was supposed to be writing. Even her husband was reminding her that she was supposed to be writing, but she said, "I can do both." My first thought was, That's not sexist. That's just true.

And it is. It's true. It's a truth that stems from living in a sexist society. Women are made to feel that they can and should do everything. We are supposed to be the baby nurturers, the cleaners, the decorators, the cooks, the caretakers. We work outside the home and are still expected to manage the home. In a world where women are still largely expected to live their lives, first and foremost, for their children and families, a woman taking time for herself often feels selfish.

It's no wonder that women have a hard time giving themselves that alone time for writing. We feel guilty about it. How can I take the time to write when there is laundry to be done, dinner to be cooked, someone else's needs to be attended to? River thought, "I can do both." But she couldn't, and she knew it.

We can't do it all or have it all. No human can. We have to be protective (another word a writer on the panel used) of our writing time. We have to take it. We have to block it off in our schedules and defend our right to use it. Women writers like River and others from this weekend have found a way to do it, and I'm going to be better about doing it for myself. We owe it to ourselves. And to the world of writing. Because otherwise, all writing would be done only by men.

And wouldn't that be boring?